I was in the grocery store checkout line today, about 5th in line. There was a man looking to be in his mid-forties in front of me holding 5 or 6 items and in front of him was a woman of the same approximate age with her teenage son. They had a particularly full cart that was ready to be placed on the conveyor belt. 

As she began placing each item on the belt in the usual way, spacing the items out each from the other, her son was instead picking random items out of the cart and flinging them on the belt, almost daring his mom to scold him. As the man in front of me and I watched as much out of boredom as for any other reason, but also waiting to see how or whether the mom would react, the son picked up a bag of potato chips and threw it on the belt, forgetting that he had already opened it, likely when he first sneaked it into the cart.

As if the chips were saying, "Yo Mom, we got this!", they proudly took on the her role of embarrassing the son in front of the rest of us, splaying themselves all over the cart, the floor and the conveyor belt. 

The mom, seeing what happened, sighed, looked at him and went back to placing items on the belt. The son, avoiding her glance, not to mention all of ours, hesitated and then, seeing that the mom was leaving it to him to clean up, began to sheepishly do just that. 

The man in front of me averted his eyes from the chip carnage in my general direction and I said to him, "I guess we were all teenagers once." He smiled and nodded, waited a few seconds and said "Yeah, we sure were."

Once again reinforcing Cheryl's belief that inside every grown male is an 8-year old boy.

Winning, not whining II

 

My updated version of what Democrats need to do to regain power:

Democrats, to make the American Dream affordable again and to bring prosperity back, will:

1.       Provide access to:

a.       quality, affordable health care

b.       free adult vocational education, including:

                                                                              i.       classes on job-related computer skills, from spreadsheets to coding

                                                                           ii.        classes at community colleges 

                                                                         iii.        hands-on job-training in the fields of plumbing, electrical, mechanical, HVAC, etc.

2.       Give substantial incentives to corporations of any size to provide free onsite childcare

3.       Reject corporate welfare, subsidies and tax credits for huge conglomerates and corporate monopolies that have driven out small businesses

4.       Incentivize corporations to share their profits with their workers

5.       Remove limits on contributions to Social Security accounts so high earners and their employers pay their fair share

6.       Continue to push back against those who block rational, legal immigration reform

7.       Put American citizens’ needs ahead of anyone entering our country illegally

8.       Limit the power of investment houses to buy up houses and hold them from the market in order to force an increase in the price of housing

9.       Pass laws requiring term limits for all federal and state level politicians

10   Institute age-limits for Supreme Court justices

11   Nominate justices who will overturn Citizens United reducing the role of money from billionaires and corporations in politics

12   Give military priority to fighting wars that impact on our own national security, while making sure all spending on our national defense is spent efficiently

13   Reduce unnecessary overseas military installations and use the money to strengthen our factory towns

14   Make sure our veterans have access to free mental healthcare for life

15   Commit to a full audit of the nation’s drinking water systems and make repairs a top priority, giving everyone access to clean water

16   Take a stand against hate speech toward people who have different political opinions from ours, no matter how much we disagree. Our fellow American citizens are not the enemy within.

17   Do everything we can to keep the government out of your life…unless you actually need or want its help. If the private sector can do it more efficiently for less cost, the government shouldn’t be doing it at all.

18   Give special attention to supporting small businesses, which create more jobs than all the Fortune 500 companies combined. This includes removing burdensome regulations and unnecessary government-imposed mandates.

19   Eliminate gerrymandering by removing politicians from the redistricting process

 

And 20th, never forget to remind people how wonderful they are. The best of what makes America great isn’t based on how we vote. It’s what we do every day regardless of our party affiliation: getting our kids off to school, shopping, making dinner, going to religious services, volunteering at the food bank, cutting the grass for a sick friend or neighbor regardless of what their voter registration card says, caring for our elderly parents, and yes, maybe even running for public office.  

As James Brown said, “People feel you before they hear you.” I have plenty of people in my life whom I love and respect, who are thoughtful, loving, supportive people…who vote straight Republican, yes, even including for Donald Trump. We need to validate, and try to understand, their feelings and beliefs, just as we’d ask that they do the same for us. 

Reliving Live Aid

 

"Reliving Live Aid" 

Not the best pic, and the ticket isn't in great shape, but...40 years ago yesterday. Quite a day. Only disappointment was that despite rampant rumors of Bruce sightings backstage, he never appeared.

Here's the JFK Live Aid performer list:

9 am: Joan Baez; The Hooters; The Four Tops; Billy Ocean.

10 am: Black Sabbath with Ozzy Osbourne; Run-DMC; Rick Springfield; REO Speedwagon.

11 am: Crosby, Stills, Nash; Judas Priest.

12 pm: Bryan Adams; The Beach Boys.

1 pm: George Thorogood; Queens Performance from London.

2 pm: Music video featuring David Bowie and Mick Jagger; Simple Minds; The Pretenders.

3 pm: Santana with Pat Metheny; Ashford and Simpson with Teddy Pendergrass.

4:30 pm: Madonna; Rod Stewart. 5 pm: Tom Petty; Kenny Loggins; The Cars.

6 pm: Neil Young; Power Station. 7 pm: Thompson Twins; Eric Clapton.

8 pm: Phil Collins with Robert Plant and Jimmy Page; Duran Duran.

9 pm: Patti LaBelle; Daryll Hall and John Oates with Eddie Kendricks and David Ruffin.

10 pm: Mick Jagger; Jagger with Tina Turner; Bob Dylan.

Jack Nicholson hosted. The opening artist Joan Baez announced to the crowd: "This is your Woodstock, and it's long overdue," before leading the crowd in singing "Amazing Grace". Led Zeppelin performed for the first time since the death of their drummer John Bonham in 1980. There were occasional (weak) attempts at comedy between acts by people like Chevy Chase and Joe Piscopo to fill time.

It was an incredibly hot day with little or no water or food but certainly all worth it. 

I went with a young woman named Anne Clark. Well, that's her name now. She was the girlfriend of my friend (via Dennis) Mark who looked at me askance when I told the gang I had an extra ticket and Anne said she'd go with me. She's one of the most likeable people I've ever met. I visited Mark and Anne 10 or so years ago when I was in Denver for a conference and it was so great to see them. I think Anne might have packed sandwiches for us. I got there quite early and stayed until it was over.

RandoThoughts

 A few random observations, thoughts I thunk while Cheryl and I were talking tonight:

- On judgement: I try never to say what I would have done in someone else's situation or to judge what they should have done. What I try to say is "Based on what I know of the situation, and I don't know everything, what I like to think I would have done is..." And of course, the best thing would be to just not say any dang thing at all because it's none of my business. Which leads me, kind of, to...

- There are so many things I've said over the years that I wish I could take back. And off the top of my head, I can't easily think of any of them. I just know that too often my wont is to speak quickly and bluntly and I know I've hurt people with my words.  I guess a small part of the reason is that I'm ashamed and it reflects badly on me, but really the main reason is how my words have hurt. I sincerely hope I've said more supportive things than negative.

Interesting though, as I proofread that before hitting the "Publish" button, it occurred to me that the single biggest critic in my life (at least to my face) is a fellow from Meeting, name of Harry, who has really let me have it a few times, maybe even more than a few times, and to some extent, his words are the inspiration for my second point above. There aren't many males I can think of whom I adore more than Harry. He has spoken quickly and bluntly to me, about me, and I appreciate him, even when his words do hurt and are memorable. So there's that.

Everything just seems so unlikely.

Last May, Judy, Sherry, Laurie and I took a train from Chicago to St. Paul (visiting 2nd cousin Molly McMahon and her cool family, joined, to our surprise by Gwennie, Tom and Mole), Portland (visiting with 2nd cousin Kaeri Schaefer and her also cool family) and then to Los Anglese (visiting 2nd cousin Brian McVickar and his joyful friend Danni).

Before we left, Laurie suggested to all the nieces, nephews, and kids that they think of interview questions for the 4 of us to discuss and record on tape for posterity.

The only two people to respond were Anita and Becca. Anita asked us to share our memories of Gary and I'll cover that separately.

These were Becca's questions:

-What are some traditions the McVickar family has?

-What are some life lessons you've learned from your siblings and relatives??

-Everyone talking about their memories of the Bill Bradfield situation. (You already knew I was going to say that.)

-What are some random memories from childhood that bring you joy?

-Mom (Laurie) talking about how she came to find out Paul is her real dad. What do others remember about this? (You already knew I was going to say that.)

-What do you think makes a McVickar a McVickar?

-What ancestors do you feel most connected to and why / what do you remember of your grandparents?

Traditions:

Funny to me how few I can think of, and by "few", I mean I can only think of one, waving to people or blinking the front lights as they left the house and drove west on Black Horse Road across the front of our property. Not many people know about it now and of those who do, seem not to want to be bothered with it, except Trev who still embraces it with enthusiasm. 

Life Lessons from Siblings:

This is a tough one, because I can only think of one thing specifically, which is when, after Gary died, Laurie observed that our body only allows us to experience grief in portions we are able to handle because if it hit us all at once, it would be too much to handle.

But in a more general sense, the way they, and their kids too, have helped me, is they just just care about me and make me feel I'm important to them. There just really is no more important gift one can give.

Bill Bradfield

Way too many to put in print but I'm somewhat embarrassed to admit that it was kind of an exciting time for me as a 20-something year-old to be so close to someone who was on the front page of all the local papers and magazines and who was someone I visited often throughout, growing close to all the people involved and guilty in the eyes of many.  

Joyful Childhood Memories

- playing games outside, occasionally in the dark

- going to swim at Sixpenny and Hopewell

- visiting and visits from my best childhood and maybe even adulthood friend, Jim Daly

- time alone, staring at the ceiling 

- watching TV shows as a family on mom and dad's bed

- sledding in the front yard

- Downingtown Friends School 

- Hanging with the Bradfields, kids and adults, including daytrips to the Jersey shore

Laurie Finding Out

I wasn't there so I can't add anything but I do remember the family dinner probably not long after when Mom and Dad not only telling Judy and me that news but also that their real 1956 wedding date was in April, not February, which is when they wanted us to think they'd been married because I was born in December of that year (you can do the math). It was nice to have Laurie as a full biological sister but it didn't really change anything since we always thought of she, Gary and Sherry as full siblings anyway.

A McVickar a McVickar

Well, we are opinionated and outspoken but good listeners; strong but gentle; spiritual but not all religious; Democrats in every case except for Wyatt; good friends to have; loving, tolerant, fun, funny, emotional, communicative...and although not every one of those fits every one of us, there is one thing we all have in common: We are all very, very lucky to be in the extended McVickar family - siblings, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, second cousins, and however to describe the luck of having the al-Rubaiay family as part of ours now too. LUCKY! 

Ancestor Connections and Grandparent memories

Sadly, we can't go too deep here, as none of us knew our (Matthew) McVickar/(Arno) Osterhaus grandfathers. My maternal grandmother, Clarita Osterhaus, who we called Nanny for some odd reason, was always pleasant with us though rarely seemed to have much interest in knowing us at any level. We thought of her as quite wealthy, though I doubt she ever had much more than $40-50,000 to her name. She would allow Mom to buy each of us one "expensive" gift - up to $40 or so - at Christmas that she would pay for, of course. When Judy, Laurie and I were all under ten years old, she would occasionally put red lipstick on all three of us and I remember being disappointed when it was decided that it would not be appropriate to include me. She and mom loved to laugh together. She would drive out once a month or so and she and Mom would catch up on all that was going on in their worlds. I don't remember them talking on the phone much, or ever, really. 

Our paternal grandmother, Sarah Jeannette McVickar, who we called Mema, was 11 years older than Nanny and was reminiscent of the character of Aunt Bea on The Andy Griffith Show, if considerably less gregarious. She was strict with us when she would watch us when mom and dad went away on vacation, with a number of peculiar rules required of us kids: 

- we couldn't drink any milk at dinner until we finished all our food

- the oldest kid - Laurie - got to decide what TV shows we watched

- we had to "make a BM" before we were allowed to go to bed

- and we had to say prayers first too: "Now I lay me down to sleep" is all I remember.

So other than those two wonderful ladies, I guess the only ancestral-type folks I had any real contact with were Dad's siblings and Uncle Art was and still is an inspiration to me. He was a wonderfully playful uncle and also was incredibly fit, well into his 70's. In fact, I remember him not just playing volleyball with us at age 76 at a family reunion, but playing extremely actively, even more so than some of the rest of us.

I hope that helped, Becca! Sorry it took so long. Let me know if you have any more questions. You'll think of many after we're gone.

I was surprised to read in this article in The Athletic about finding workplace happiness, in their case, in terms of the teams they play on, that two of the most important pieces of advice in Dale Carnegie's landmark book, “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” originally published in 1936, are the two things I've often declared as my "philosophies of life" as my nephew Skylar begs us to share: Connections and Validation.

"(Joey) Votto was struck by a passage about connection. One of the best ways to reach others, Carnegie wrote, was to offer sincere appreciation. It wasn’t enough to show up; you had to be intentional."

Research by Jane Dutton, an organizational psychologist, has spent nearly three decades researching this, "has suggested that there’s an even simpler way to foster happier work places and more cohesiveness among team members. The answer is in what Dutton calls “high-quality connections,” a term she coined to describe the brief, positive interactions between colleagues.

"Studies have shown that an increase in “high-quality connections” can improve physiological health and increase measures of energy and vitality. It can also increase resilience and coordination in organizations. In other words, fostering more connections may be more powerful than trying to change a company’s culture.

“'This is such a simple idea, but I’ve been stunned at how powerful it is,' Dutton said."

So, what's new is old. Dale, I bow to thee. Glad I didn't try to write a whole book only to find out you already did 90ish years ago. 

And by the way, thanks for validating my philosophy of life, proactively or maybe retroactively.