I spent some time with some folks recently to whom I know I mean a lot and similarly, mean a lot to me. And at some point, being so close, they felt comfortable telling me that they were uncomfortable with my behavior during that gathering, that I hadn't smiled enough and was being too quiet. I tried immediately to work through what was bothering me and felt significantly upset for some time thereafter for having negatively impacted their otherwise good time.

But as I thought about the incident more over the next few weeks, I reflected on the concept that we've been told from the time we are young: Just Be Yourself. So what happens if you're being yourself and it's upsetting to people? Is that your fault for being so unlikeable or mine for wanting you to be more likeable? 

I guess I should be flattered that what they were really saying was that they think of me differently than the person I was being with them and they liked that guy better. Not sure they realized...I sure do too.

But it also helped me understand that I shouldn't be upset with someone I love when they are doing something I don't like. That, I need to remind myself, is a Me Problem, as they say, not theirs. 

After all, as Maya Angelou said: When people show you who the are...believe them.

Sibling Express 2024

After landing in Chicago for the first day of our sibling train trip, and checking into my hotel room, I went off in search of a famous Chicago Italian Beef sandwich. I walked for close to 45 minutes (to and from the sandwich shop) and at some point noticed that no one was making anything but accidental eye contact with me. So I decided that if and when anyone did, I’d thank them. 

As I was almost back to the hotel, I was walking through a city indoor market similar to Reading Terminal Market in Philly, when a hipster-like young man said “Have a nice day!” as I walked by his otherwise empty booth. First I just muttered a thanks and continued walking. But then I decided to go back and thank him more directly. 

“Thanks for saying that. I am from Philly and have just walked for about 45 minutes through this city and not one person has even so much as made eye contact with me.” 

He replied matter of factly: “I’m from Norristown.”

-----

The sandwich however was juicy, disgusting, and delicious.

Impressions of Chicago:

- exceedingly clean city

- the residents seem to be, by and large, extremely fit

- the whole city smells like well-done meat and giardiniera sauce…which I had never heard of before.

Impressions of Portland, where it rained probably 80% of the time we were there:

- The first person we talked to about the rain, who wasn't originally from Portland, told us that people there actually prefer when it's raining. We continued to quiz people about his statement the next 2+ days and no one refuted it.

- People there seem less interested in a well-kept lawn than any place I've ever been...except Russia where I don't think anyone even could afford lawnmowers.

- I actually preferred Portland to Chicago because of its funkiness, but I was the only one of the 4 of us to feel that way.

- I appreciated that very few of the houses on their well-packed blocks in the city looked anything like any of the other houses.

Impressions of Los Angeles:

- It's just as one has heard. SO much artifice - people dressed and coiffed to the max, wanting to see and be seen. That said, much of it was based on our hitting the Hotel Bel Air, the Polo Lounge and Chateau Marmont for drinks, all in one afternoon, before heading to a really nice restaurant. The one person who stood out as dressed completely normally was the owner of a business three downs down from our restaurant, fella name of Woody Harrelson.

In my teens and 20's, I wanted to look great. 

Into my 30's, I wanted to look really good. 

In my 40's and 50's, I hoped I looked good enough. 

Now in my 60's, I realize no one cares what I look like. 

Well, except maybe me.

Be the change

Not sure which is more upsetting in the bigger picture: 

- the opinions expressed in Harrison Butker's speech 

or 

- people being angry that he has an opinion different from theirs

50 years worth

I have two 50th high school reunions coming up in the next few months and for the one at Westtown, we were asked to write up a page or two summary of key life events of our last 50 years as well as what brings us joy. I put it off a week or two past the deadline for getting it published in the mailing, partially because I kept coming back and editing and adding to it (which I've continued to do here as I remember more things), and partially because I procrastinate. It's what I do.  Now that it's finished, I thought I'd post it here as well, if only since it will be helpful for whomever gets to write my obituary someday. 

-------------

Wow. I know we’re all wondering the same things:

- Where did the time go?

- How did I get here?

- Where is that large automobile?

- This is not my beautiful wife!

And yet no matter how much we, and the world, have changed, things are the Same as it ever was.

(Fun fact: David Byrne’s sister lived on my hall at Earlham my junior year and she drew a beautiful portrait of me for her senior project that she gave to me and that I still have.)

Funny how similar my approach to writing this essay has paralleled my approach to such assignments at Westtown: total procrastination (again - same as it ever was).

The questions for our assignment – Key events in our lives in the past 50 years to shape who we are today and what brings us joy.

The answer to both questions for me, as any (most) of you who have met her will understand, is my wife Cheryl. Not just because she has brought so many cool kids into my life, but because of how amazing a person she is and how much I’ve learned from her over the past 26 years. But since most of them are of an intangible nature, I’ll save that for an in-person discussion for anyone interested, but most all of it falls in the category of: Choose Love.

My key life events since graduation in June, 1974:

 - 4 years at Earlham, graduating early with a Psych degree, writing my 56-page, painfully-typed, senior thesis on Freud’s theory of the Death Instinct

- Still living in the same place where we held the 30^th reunion AND same place I lived when we were all at Westtown

 - Started a career in social work, working with mentally disadvantaged adults until I realized there was little future in it unless I wanted to go to grad school, which I certainly did not

 - Took night accounting classes, leading to a 40-year career as a controller/comptroller/business manager for small, mostly not-for-profit organizations

 - Solo-bicycled 4871 miles cross country the summer of 1982 from San Francisco down to San Diego over to Oklahoma City to up to Chicago and Detroit to Toronto to Vermont and finally, the last day, to Atlantic City after a ride around the field of Veteran’s Stadium before a Sunday afternoon Phillies-Astros game (and was later invited by T. Tony Cassen to do an assembly at Westtown to talk about it)

- Worked 21 years as the statistician for, and, for a few years, studio producer of, the Phila Flyers telecasts – a dream job for me at the time (though now I barely follow the sport at all), frequently running into Barry Hogenauer, Brad Strode, Mile Titone, Pat Comerford and Tim Cronister who were all in somewhat of the same profession – helping with sports telecasts

- Been to 15 countries; 48 of the 50 states; 25 major league baseball stadiums…ok, stadia; 12 NHL/WHA hockey arenas; 4 NFL stadiums/a; and 3 NBA arenas; 1 Super Bowl, countless NBA and NHL and MLB playoff games including the one where the Phillies won their first World Series, though I don’t have a ticket to prove it because I had to bribe a guard to get in

- Have eaten french fries in France, hominy grits in Hominy, Oklahoma, saw Frank Sinatra sing Chicago in…Chicago, went to Live Aid, and have seen Springsteen in concert many, many times, including my first time which was on my 24^th birthday, and more significantly, the day after John Lennon was shot

- Have had interactions and/or conversations, some brief, some extended, with Jimmy Carter, Richard Nixon, James Carville, Andrea Mitchell, Keith Olbermann, David Brooks, Mike Schmidt, Bobby Clarke (along with most of the Flyers’ Broad Street Bullies, mostly from playing on their Alumni softball team), Cory Booker, Dereck Lively, Livingston Taylor, Julius Erving, Bob Uecker, Chuck Barris, Dave Barry, Gordie Howe, Meg Ryan (at Westtown!), Carol Alt, Cate Blanchett, Tony Lake, Chuck Barris, Josh Shapiro, and Bobby Orr

- Very involved in local politics, helping turn Chester County from deep red to having Dems elected pretty much across the board (Spoiler: it wasn’t just me) and serving occasionally as a Dem Committee Person and presently as an elected township auditor

- Married Cheryl in July, 2001, in Acadia National Park, bringing two amazing daughters – Elissa and Evelyn – with her into my life. And since then, Liss and her partner Eduardo, whom she met while both working on the Obama campaign in Florida, have brought two more amazing kids into our lives – Athena and Atticus, as Ev has also brought her awesome husband Brian to us.

- Have a blog full of random observations: https://jmcvickar.blogspot.com/

- Cheryl and I then had two more children – Trevor and Alex (Westtown, class of 2022). Trev, now engaged to the ever-cool Taylor, majored in Film at Penn State and is hoping for a career in that industry. Alex is their second year at Hampshire College.

- Hosted a 17-year-old, Ammar, from Baghdad in 2007, theoretically for 1 year, but with the help of many people, including two teachers at Westtown – John McKinstry (Beppy’s brother) and Karen Gallagher, he stayed past the date he had told the US State Department he would leave. After a year at the local public school, John and Karen got him into Westtown for his senior year, graduating in 2009. He is now a board-certified doctor (our son, the doctor!), is married to Janet, an amazing woman from Bangladesh. As of earlier this year, they have a beautiful son named Luka.

- Ammar’s brother Human and their parents, Ebtesam and Jaffar are now here too, headed for citizenship as well. They are an indescribably wonderful family.

- An active member of Downingtown Friends meeting for all of my 67 years, serving on Pastoral Care, Finance, Nominating, as Treasurer, and I don’t even remember what all.

- Served on the Board, eventually as President, at West Chester Friends School

- Chaperoned two groups of Quaker teens to Russia (trips in 1990 and 1991) and Pine Ridge Native American Indian reservation (2019ish?)

- (for those still reading…) Was fired in 2019 from my last job as Controller after 18 years, when my bosses found out that I had forwarded incriminating evidence regarding a certain former President to the New York Attorney General and the Washington Post.

- More or less retired soon thereafter, though I’m now substitute teaching at the local public school 2-3 times a week and am enjoying it so much, I find myself occasionally wondering if I could start my career path all over again!

- Still playing 60-90 minute pickup soccer games 3 times a week, where in two of the weekly games, I am the oldest player. It doesn’t always show!

I think that’s a complete enough list of my life’s key events. Things that bring me joy? Family, for sure, both birth and with Cheryl, including my extended family. My close friends of many decades, including Mike, Jim, Dave, Martin, Dennis (RIP) and so many others, particularly through Downingtown Friends Meeting. Politics has replaced sports as my passion, though baseball still brings me great joy. Being retired has certainly been one of the greatest joys of my life. I recommend it highly!

I am so grateful for my Westtown experience and in some ways even more so, getting to know so many of you way better and more than I did in our, in my case, three years of living together.  You are a special bunch. I’m sure you were then too, and I regret not trying to get to know you better back then.

There! Assignment complete…a few days late.

Same as it ever was.

 

 

 

 

 

This is US

Interesting column in a recent Washington Post where the author asked people to condense their thoughts on race or cultural identity into six words. 

Here are mine:

My fellow Democrats: You're obsessed. Stop. 

or

We = We. Please stop We/They

What are yours?

Glory Days

My friend Harry Bryans emailed me yesterday commenting on this Jayson Stark column on the amazing play Chase Utley made in the 2008 World Series. This is part of the email I wrote him back, that I am posting here for posterity:

For many years in our 30's, my buddy (since 5th grade) Jim Daly and I used to play in a co-ed softball league. (And we took it a little too seriously sometimes, I'm now willing to admit. Adam Bratis actually saw me provoke a bench-clearing brawl - true story - when I slid too hard in the other team's catcher.) Jim was, and in some respects is still, a very good athlete. Jim played shortstop in the J-Roll way - not many spectacular plays but incredibly dependable - made every throw right on the money. I, on the other hand, was very undependable at third base, but they kind of tried to hide me there, particularly because in co-ed softball, there were so many baserunners, I often only had to touch my base or throw home or to second, which was almost the max distance for my candy arm. But the reason for telling all this, is that to Jim's horror, I was always trying plays like Utley's, like dropping popups and line drives on purpose to try to get double plays or to force a faster runner at a base to allow the slower batter to get on (still drives me crazy when major leaguers don't think of that.) My favorite was when there was a runner on second base who I knew was particularly (like me), aggressive on the bases, I had a play pre-set with our second baseman that if the batter grounded one to me, I would fake a throw to first, knowing the runner on second would take off for third, and our 2B would sneak in behind him and we'd throw behind him to get him out. 

(If you haven't already, you can stop reading here, the rest is as much for my own enjoyment in remembering and telling it as it is intended for you to enjoy it) My favorite story semi-related is that one time I was on first base and Jim grounded a single to centerfield. I saw the CFer taking his time fielding it (we couldn't take leads), so I rounded second and headed for third and slid in safely. Jim, seeing this, rounded first and took off for second where the third baseman threw and where Jim slid in safely. I, seeing this, got up at third and headed home, where I slid in safely...and you know the rest, Jim, seeing this, took off for third where the catcher threw the ball over the third baseman's head and Jim scored standing up. He and I go to at least one game a year together and have recounted the tale as often as we can find reason to fit it in. I think our wives even know the story by heart by now. (Side note - even though Jim and I met as students at Owen J Roberts, his wife Leigh and I first met in Kindergarten at...Downingtown Friends School. She was a cutie even then. :-) )

Thanks for hanging in and giving me a chance to tell that story again!