Nothing on TV or in the movies is true...except all these things

After watching more (non-sports) television in the past few years, beginning with the start of the pandemic (it’s still weird to write those words – we really did just go through a freaking pandemic. Heck, we still are, for that matter. In fact, I feel like I’ve heard of more people coming down with covid in the past month than pretty much the first 2 years combined, but since people aren’t dying of it, it seems less present.) 

Where were we/I, ah right – television, which includes movies, I’ve been keeping a mental list of things I’ve noticed about TV life that isn’t generally reflected in real life. OK, it’s not just a mental list – I wrote some of these down too. OK, I wrote all of them down just so I wouldn't fergit.

Things people do way more on TV and in the movies than in real life:

- Cry and have sex. Usually not at the same time.

- Meet for the first time and have sex within the first hour or less of meeting. And it’s almost always intense. And over with very quickly. Especially in the first episode of a series.

- Hang up the phone without saying goodbye. Every once in a rare while, one person will say bye, but the other never will.

- Tell lies…and never, ever get away with them. The person they are trying to keep the secret from will always find out. 100% of the time.

- Have friendships with people of different races than theirs. No white people on TV only have white friends.

- Have difficult relationships with the parent of the same gender, especially moms and daughters. One almost never sees supportive, loving relationships between mom and daughters.

- Have affairs. Or have solid relationships with their spouse.

- Have wet city streets at night.

- Have way more complicated lives.

Other observations:

- Anytime someone says “But let me explain!” when they are trying to set someone straight about a misunderstanding, will never get that chance to explain, even though we as the viewer always know that if they did, all would be forgiven…as it eventually will be when the other person finally does find out what happened, which they always will.

- There are no more shows or movies without gay characters or people of different races. In other words, Friends would never have a cast like that today. Or Seinfeld. Or MASH. Of 99% of shows before about 2015ish.

- Any prediction by a character of what is sure to happen will never happen.

- There are very few honest cops or politicians. But then…

And lastly, almost any time someone speaks to another character by name, they will almost always pause slightly before saying their name, at least more so than we do when saying names. My theory is that the actors are so glad to remember their line, and want to be so sure not to use the actor’s real name, they pause almost imperceptibly before saying their character’s name. I tell ya, it happens again and again, to the point, once you start noticing it, you’ll see that it becomes unusual that someone doesn’t do it.

What did I miss?

 

 

For Aphorphiles Only

I'm a big fan of aphorisms. In fact, I once considered starting a website that consisted only of aphorisms. The only thing I don't like about aphorisms is the word. Seems like it is a word for a world safe for people who are prejudiced against aphors. 

So with that pithy intro (now that is a word I simply MUST use more often, like when someone says something particularly thought-provoking: "Oh, how terribly pithy!" And of course, it just has to be said with a British accent, with such a huge emphasis on the "p", that anyone nearby might be splattered with whatever happens to be near your front lips as you say it. And now I'll pause, because I know you need time to silently do it yourself.) 

Now, where was I - ah yes - Aphorisms-R-Us.

I don't usually just reprint something that someone else has written, but I enjoyed a recent column by David Brooks in the NY Times filled with what he called Life Hacks, which deserves a robust "OK, Boomer", because I think, well, Inigo Montoya said it best, and it feels like he is just trying to be relevant to the kids by calling them that. 

(And I also recognize that a Boomer calling out another Boomer by saying "OK, Boomer" is probably guilty of the same thing.)

And let the record show that I am sharing David Brooks' column under protest, since he once tried to have me thrown out of the Democratic National Convention in Charlotte in 2012, but I'll save that story for another day, but remind me if I forget, please.

I admit that I am mostly sharing these because I'd love my kids to memorize all these, yes, every one. And I'll add a * (an *?) where I have an additional thought.

When you have 90 percent of a large project completed, finishing up the final details will take another 90 percent. 

Anything you say before the word “but” does not count.

Denying or deflecting a compliment is rude. Accept it with thanks.

Getting cheated occasionally is a small price to pay for trusting the best in everyone, because when you trust the best in others, they will treat you the best.

When you get invited to something in the future, ask yourself, Would I do this tomorrow? (*I really need to do this more often. Things frequently seemed like a better idea at the time I first heard them than when the time comes to actually do them.)

Purchase a tourist guidebook to your hometown. You’ll learn a lot playing tourist once a year. 

The thing that made you weird as a kid could make you great as an adult. (*I wasn't weird as a kid. Just annoying. Right, Laur?)

It’s not an apology if it comes with an excuse. (*There should be national legislation to codify this. But that'll never happen, because the people who would have to vote for it are the people who most often include excuses in the same sentence as their apology.)

Just because it’s not your fault doesn’t mean it’s not your responsibility.

Ignore what they are thinking of you because they are not thinking of you. (*That's just one of many good reasons to ignore what others are thinking of you.)

Something does not need to be perfect to be wonderful, especially weddings. (*Or marriages, though mine happens to be both, of course.)

The biggest lie we tell ourselves is, “I don’t need to write this down because I will remember it.” (*Especially true of dreams, when you wake up from one in the middle of the night...or even early or late in the night.)

Job interviews are not really about you. They are about the employer’s needs and how you can fill them.

If you can’t make up your mind between two options, flip a coin. Don’t decide based on which side of the coin came up. Decide based on your emotional reaction to which side came up.

Take photos of things your parents do every day. That’s how you’ll want to remember them. (*Not sure I like this one. Liss once told me that after I die, she'll always picture me in her memories as reading a newspaper. Sadly accurate, but not exactly the way I'd prefer to be remembered.)

Build identity capital. In your 20s do three fascinating things that job interviewers and dinner companions will want to ask you about for the rest of your life. (*That's a little strong. One thing should do it.)

Marriage is a 50-year conversation. Marry someone you want to talk with for the rest of your life. (*But for just 50 years apparently.)

If you’re giving a speech, be vulnerable. Fall on the audience members and let them catch you. They will.

Never be furtive. If you’re doing something you don’t want others to find out about, it’s probably wrong. (*Except when it comes to sex. Furtive is fine though.)

If you’re traveling in a place you’ve never been before, listen to an album you’ve never heard before. Forever after that music will remind you of that place. (*I can't hear Red Red Wine without thinking of my late friend Dennis from when we traveled through Europe together in 1983.)

If you’re cutting cake at a birthday party with a bunch of kids howling around you, it’s quicker and easier to cut the cake with dental floss, not a knife. Lay the floss across the cake and firmly press down. (*I'm sorry, I just doubt this. Someone try this please and let me know if it's true.)

When you’re beginning a writing project, give yourself permission to write badly. You can’t fix it until it’s down on paper. (*Or if you're writing this blog, just accept that you're really not nearly as good a writer as you once thought you'd be someday. And if you keep trying to make your posts perfect, you'll make fewer entries because they take so long to write, though alas, that is only part of my problem.)

One-off events usually don’t amount to much. Organize gatherings that meet once a month or once a year.

Make the day; don’t let the day make you. Make sure you are setting your schedule, not just responding to invitations from others.

If you meet a jerk once a month, you’ve met a jerk. If you meet jerks every day, you’re a jerk. (*Not applicable if one lives in New York City.)

Never pass up an opportunity to hang out with musicians. (*Interesting. I can't remember meeting a musician I didn't/don't love.)

Don’t try to figure out what your life is about. It’s too big a question. Just figure out what the next three years are about. (*Besides, as I hope I've said in a previous post somewhere, and if not, shame on me, I can tell you what your life is all about: Validation, Connections, and yes, Jude - Evolution!)

If you’ve lost your husband (or wife), sleep on his (or her) side of the bed and it won’t feel so empty. (*I love this idea...except I hate it too, because I never want to know if he's right.)

Don’t ever look up a recent photo of your first great love. (*But seriously - who hasn't?)

If you’re trying to figure out what supermarket line is fastest, get behind a single shopper with a full cart over two shoppers each with a half-full cart. 

Low on kitchen counter space? Pull out a drawer and put your cutting board on top of it. (*Brilliant. Brilliant, I say!)

You can always tell someone to go to hell tomorrow. (*Indeed. A variation of Laurie's 24 hour rule.)

Feel free to add your favorite aphorism in the comments below. If you don't, I'll just assume you're probably an aphorist.