I remember many years ago, when my brother and sister-in-law had their second child a few years after the first one, when she was asked if she'd been surprised by anything in raising them, she said, "Yeah, I thought I could use all the things I learned in raising my first kid to raise my second, but they are completely different and almost nothing works the same with the second kid!"
I think that would be among the most important pieces of advice I would give my son about sex. Just when you think you have it figured out with one girl, and you try the same thing with the next one, you realize the knowledge is not transferable, and you have to start learning what works all over again. Well, except all that dumb stuff about communication and meeting each other's needs blahblahblah. :-)
Friday, March 25, 2011
Please ask me to re-read this next time I get into an argument with you.
As I was writing the post below this one, in one of those inter-connected moments, a friend came into the room to tell me about some problems he's having with his wife. He said it's not too big a deal, though quixotically, again, if that's the right word, (do these things have thesauruses?), he added that he wasn't sure, if they didn't have kids, if they'd still be married. But it's not a big deal.
They were having a 2-day long argument, though they've had longer ones where he's slept in another room for 3-4 days. Talking with him about it, it gave me a chance to spew all my best advices, from experience, to help get through such arguments with someone we love.
1 - Stay on one issue. If the other person counters with an example of something you did, tell them that they may be right, but let's come back to that later, and stick to this issue for now.
2 - If you feel the other person is being stubborn, tell them that as much trouble as that gets the two of you into, tell her/him that is also part of why you love them or are such good friends with them, because they are people of such conviction and passion.
3 - Validate their points, and ask that they do the same. When Cheryl and I get into arguments, which is remarkably rare, sometimes it feels like we're just saying the same things over and over again. At those times, I've sometimes asked Cheryl to tell me what she thinks it is I'm saying. And pretty much 100% of the time, she's been wrong...which of course is my fault for explaining it poorly as much or more than it is hers for not understanding, or possible listening well enough. So when she then says Then what are you saying, and I explain it again, almost every single time we've done that, it has brought the argument to a close, possibly as much because it causes the other person, if only for a minute, to take the other person's side and to try to argue their point.
4 - If possible, in the middle of your anger over this seemingly oh-so-crucial thing you're arguing over, ask yourself if whatever it is will still be important, or even memorable, in 10 years. If not, move on.
5 - The single best piece of advice I turn to when all else fails: I can be right, or I can be love.
They were having a 2-day long argument, though they've had longer ones where he's slept in another room for 3-4 days. Talking with him about it, it gave me a chance to spew all my best advices, from experience, to help get through such arguments with someone we love.
1 - Stay on one issue. If the other person counters with an example of something you did, tell them that they may be right, but let's come back to that later, and stick to this issue for now.
2 - If you feel the other person is being stubborn, tell them that as much trouble as that gets the two of you into, tell her/him that is also part of why you love them or are such good friends with them, because they are people of such conviction and passion.
3 - Validate their points, and ask that they do the same. When Cheryl and I get into arguments, which is remarkably rare, sometimes it feels like we're just saying the same things over and over again. At those times, I've sometimes asked Cheryl to tell me what she thinks it is I'm saying. And pretty much 100% of the time, she's been wrong...which of course is my fault for explaining it poorly as much or more than it is hers for not understanding, or possible listening well enough. So when she then says Then what are you saying, and I explain it again, almost every single time we've done that, it has brought the argument to a close, possibly as much because it causes the other person, if only for a minute, to take the other person's side and to try to argue their point.
4 - If possible, in the middle of your anger over this seemingly oh-so-crucial thing you're arguing over, ask yourself if whatever it is will still be important, or even memorable, in 10 years. If not, move on.
5 - The single best piece of advice I turn to when all else fails: I can be right, or I can be love.
Just don't tell anyone I feel this way
A friend came over a few weeks ago to talk about some serious marital problems she was going through and asked if she could make a request of us, but first quite emphatically stressed that we needed to keep her request to ourselves, which we've done without hesitation or problem. She said, "I really need you guys to promise you won't mention this to anyone else because I gotta tell you, you are two of the biggest blabbermouths I know!"
Well, be that as it may (my favorite expression these days), what I said back to her was "Be that as it may, (see?) you also must know that we are also equally capable of keeping things to ourselves, or you wouldn't be making this request of us." It may not have been the most Quakerly of replies, but what I also could have said was that if she thinks we share a lot about the things we know, she'd be amazed at how much we know that we don't tell anyone!
So, on the way to a dinner party that evening, Cheryl and I talked about what she'd said and agreed that for the most part, we don't believe in the concept of gossip when it is applied to the sharing of information about people's lives we care very much about, or even less invested in, for that matter. It's the original form of Social Networking. When I tell things about our lives to our friends, I do it with the full assumption they are going to share that information with others, unless we specifically ask them not to, and even then, one has to assume that doesn't mean it's 100% certain that it won't be shared.
But of course, there is the sharing of information that just has a bad feel to it that falls into a different category. I was talking about the same couple to the Overseer Committee at Meeting and even though I knew that the reason for the break-up was that there was another woman involved, I chose not to share that with the group, as it didn't seem relevant, and I knew it wasn't something they would want spread around. I was pretty sure that I was the only person the husband had told that to at Meeting. And that's not to say that I am always able to be so circumspect, if that's the right word, as I'd like to think I should be. It's hard to keep somethings to oneself sometimes, and I don't know why that is or what the impulse is that causes it or what need it satisfies, but it is a strong one.
Well, be that as it may (my favorite expression these days), what I said back to her was "Be that as it may, (see?) you also must know that we are also equally capable of keeping things to ourselves, or you wouldn't be making this request of us." It may not have been the most Quakerly of replies, but what I also could have said was that if she thinks we share a lot about the things we know, she'd be amazed at how much we know that we don't tell anyone!
So, on the way to a dinner party that evening, Cheryl and I talked about what she'd said and agreed that for the most part, we don't believe in the concept of gossip when it is applied to the sharing of information about people's lives we care very much about, or even less invested in, for that matter. It's the original form of Social Networking. When I tell things about our lives to our friends, I do it with the full assumption they are going to share that information with others, unless we specifically ask them not to, and even then, one has to assume that doesn't mean it's 100% certain that it won't be shared.
But of course, there is the sharing of information that just has a bad feel to it that falls into a different category. I was talking about the same couple to the Overseer Committee at Meeting and even though I knew that the reason for the break-up was that there was another woman involved, I chose not to share that with the group, as it didn't seem relevant, and I knew it wasn't something they would want spread around. I was pretty sure that I was the only person the husband had told that to at Meeting. And that's not to say that I am always able to be so circumspect, if that's the right word, as I'd like to think I should be. It's hard to keep somethings to oneself sometimes, and I don't know why that is or what the impulse is that causes it or what need it satisfies, but it is a strong one.
We used to call it NFSOH, but we didn't really think it was true!
I have heard two people in the last month or so describe themselves as not having a very good sense of humor. I was totally rocked by this. I guess I'm not surprised at the idea that someone could not have a sense of humor but that they would not only realize it, but admit it.
It has always seemed like a choice to me. If you aren't making jokes or laughing at other people's jokes, it has always seemed like a personality disorder, only by choice, not genetics. But these people seem to be suggesting that that they aren't able to make jokes or laugh as easily when someone says something funny.
How can you not have a sense of humor? It's too easy a comparison, but it's like saying you have no sense of touch or smell. You have to have a sense of humor. It isn't a matter of being a good or bad sense - you just have it. OK, some are funnier than others, I guess, but I don't think of myself as any funnier than most other people I know.
That said, come to think of it, Cheryl and I did go out to dinner the other night with some folks, the husband of which barely smiled the whole night. He seemed to try a few times, but it didn't seem to come easily to him. I wonder if he knows that he doesn't smile or laugh as much as other folks. I kind of have always felt uneasy around people who don't laugh. So maybe that means I'm the one with the personality disorder after all.
Sometimes I wish it wasn't always all about me.
It has always seemed like a choice to me. If you aren't making jokes or laughing at other people's jokes, it has always seemed like a personality disorder, only by choice, not genetics. But these people seem to be suggesting that that they aren't able to make jokes or laugh as easily when someone says something funny.
How can you not have a sense of humor? It's too easy a comparison, but it's like saying you have no sense of touch or smell. You have to have a sense of humor. It isn't a matter of being a good or bad sense - you just have it. OK, some are funnier than others, I guess, but I don't think of myself as any funnier than most other people I know.
That said, come to think of it, Cheryl and I did go out to dinner the other night with some folks, the husband of which barely smiled the whole night. He seemed to try a few times, but it didn't seem to come easily to him. I wonder if he knows that he doesn't smile or laugh as much as other folks. I kind of have always felt uneasy around people who don't laugh. So maybe that means I'm the one with the personality disorder after all.
Sometimes I wish it wasn't always all about me.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Two things that are so not a tie
The best thing about hockey is what happens when the score is tied after regulation. The worst thing about hockey is what happens when the score is tied after overtime.
An Important Idea
I came to an obvious epiphany the other day - one that most people probably realize at a far earlier age than did I. And I guess I did realize it earlier, but never in such simple terms.
What people want most in life is to feel important. We want people to know that we have added something, whether it's a particular skill, an idea, something we said, or even a simple random act of kindness. And in most cases, it's important to us that we not just BE important, but that we know other people recognize it.
If we make something beautiful, say, a sculpture, do we admire it and then destroy it or throw it in the closet? Or is the only reason for showing it to others to bring them enjoyment? Probably not. It's the feeling we get inside when we see their enjoyment. We want to be recognized for our accomplishment, even if it's only when someone pays a sum of money for that sculpture and we never see it or anyone's reaction to it again.
It all comes back to what I believe David Brooks calls "The Woosh". That feeling you get inside that can never be manufactured or achieved without merit. And ideally, in some people's view, that is all anyone should need to be a part of the bigger society. Instead of money for our efforts, if everyone would just do their best to make the world a better place for us all, using our best talents, that is the reward we'd get for making a perfect meal for someone, or growing the best vegetables, or inventing a way to get water to people who live in arid lands. We'd get The Woosh inside.
But getting back to the original point of how we want to feel important, there is one talent we all have, that doesn't involve making or discovering or creating or inventing. It is a talent that may be the most important of all, and that is...the ability to make people feel important! To recognize them, especially at the smallest of contributions - something a person added to a conversation, someone's beautiful smile, someone's poise or talent for making people feel welcome in their home...or for making people feel important. :-)
What people want most in life is to feel important. We want people to know that we have added something, whether it's a particular skill, an idea, something we said, or even a simple random act of kindness. And in most cases, it's important to us that we not just BE important, but that we know other people recognize it.
If we make something beautiful, say, a sculpture, do we admire it and then destroy it or throw it in the closet? Or is the only reason for showing it to others to bring them enjoyment? Probably not. It's the feeling we get inside when we see their enjoyment. We want to be recognized for our accomplishment, even if it's only when someone pays a sum of money for that sculpture and we never see it or anyone's reaction to it again.
It all comes back to what I believe David Brooks calls "The Woosh". That feeling you get inside that can never be manufactured or achieved without merit. And ideally, in some people's view, that is all anyone should need to be a part of the bigger society. Instead of money for our efforts, if everyone would just do their best to make the world a better place for us all, using our best talents, that is the reward we'd get for making a perfect meal for someone, or growing the best vegetables, or inventing a way to get water to people who live in arid lands. We'd get The Woosh inside.
But getting back to the original point of how we want to feel important, there is one talent we all have, that doesn't involve making or discovering or creating or inventing. It is a talent that may be the most important of all, and that is...the ability to make people feel important! To recognize them, especially at the smallest of contributions - something a person added to a conversation, someone's beautiful smile, someone's poise or talent for making people feel welcome in their home...or for making people feel important. :-)
Next, he plans to invade a small island in the Caribbean
Everyone's all upset about the Air Traffic Controller at Reagan National Airport falling asleep on the job.
Considering how many people are also upset that more things haven't been named after President Reagan, I would think they would be thrilled that this guy honored him by just doing his best imitation of Reagan in his final months in office...if not his final 2-5 years.
And if anyone needs further proof, do you really think it's a coincidence that it was an air traffic controller who chose to honor Reagan in this way - the very people through whom he first established a reputation as a anti-union tough guy?
Considering how many people are also upset that more things haven't been named after President Reagan, I would think they would be thrilled that this guy honored him by just doing his best imitation of Reagan in his final months in office...if not his final 2-5 years.
And if anyone needs further proof, do you really think it's a coincidence that it was an air traffic controller who chose to honor Reagan in this way - the very people through whom he first established a reputation as a anti-union tough guy?
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