In case you aren't tired of me expounding more on validation

Thinking more about my posts a few weeks back about no longer needing validation, this article impressed upon me the other side of that thinking which is that if one doesn’t need to be stroked, as it were, one also eliminates, at least theoretically, any need to be defensive or to feel (negatively) judged. If someone speaks to or of me unkindly, it wouldn’t/shouldn’t matter. If I don’t need or seek validation, it doesn’t just mean I don’t need to be judged positively, it also means I don’t care if I’m judged negatively.

That article helped drive that point home for me, where the husband, who came to admit the problem in his marriage was himself, was at his worst when he was criticized, or felt judged by his wife. As I read it and he gave an example, I thought, “Dude. Either accept it or ignore it and move on.” Easier said than done, of course, but that’s what I strive for, not always successfully, I admit, or as Cheryl can tell you (but probably wouldn’t).

The other thing from that article that stood out to me, is the impact of one’s childhood on how healthy one’s adult relationship with a partner might be.  For me, as my sister Laurie used to frequently remind me, I was annoying as hell as a 12-14 year old, ok, maybe 11-15 year old…and sometimes 68 year old…before I began around age 15-16 to retreat semi-permanently into my bedroom, coming out only for meals.

The root of my being annoying was a quest for attention, negative being better than none at all. I grew up in a very loving, supportive household, but as wonderful a man as my dad was, my tween years sensed that his interest in his art superseded his interest in being a present dad, though I suspect that is what he likely learned from his dad. (And my greatest fear might be that my kids feel the same about me and my interest in sports. It’s not true, you guys! Being a dad was my favorite thing ever in my entire life!)

And so, as I moved into adulthood, I believe I probably brought some of that need with me, hard as it is to admit, or put in permanent writing. Close friends of mine once called me a gadfly, and, once I looked it up, it hurt, but if that is their or anyone else’s perspective, I can’t help that. It does regretfully though fit my narrative.

Finally, if one accepts the idea that one’s childhood will impact one’s relationship with a partner in adulthood, then I have one last observation.

I remember in my 20’s being confused by women who, while we were still in bed after sex, possibly at my/our most vulnerable, asking me personal questions about former girlfriends.

I think it was my aforementioned sister Laurie who I asked at some point what the heck that was all about and she said it was probably so they could find out what I might say about them someday if things didn’t work out. In the bigger picture, maybe they were trying to probe my emotional depths as to whether I portrayed likely negative (break-up) experiences in any kind of angry, vengeful tone or if I thought of them positively (which I did, in every case) to see what kind of person I really was. (I mean, it’s not like guys’ personalities change any once they achieved conquest…orgasm…had a mutually beneficial loving intimate interaction with a girl! Amirite?!) Or heck, maybe they just wanted to know if they had any competition to worry about.

So now I’m thinking that if their goal was to get some sense of what I might be like as a long-term partner, they’d be better off asking about my childhood and how happy I was and how validated I felt.

In a family where the youngest got the most positive attention (and not without reason, Judy was everything I was not – happy, positive, fun to be around, full of joy) and the oldest, Laurie, got plenty of negative attention in my tween years, I felt very loved but not often terribly happy, and rarely validated.