Things I Learned From Republicans in September:
- If you work hard, you won’t have time to get hooked on drugs and that will solve all our drug-problem woes. (Rand Paul)
(Which might suggest that Rand has never worked a day in his life to come up with this kind of crazy.)
- Muslims can't be president. (Ben Carson)
(And neither should people who have neglected to read the constitution.)
- Charles Darwin came up with his theory of evolution at the behest of Satan. (Carson again)
(I'll give him a pass on this one and just assume he was auditioning to replace Dana Carvey as the new Church Lady and this was part of his comedy routine.)
- America should get back in the torture business. (Carly Fiorina)
(Watching your campaign would certainly qualify.)
- Diversity sucks. (Rick Santorum)
(Which is why he prefers to stay in the party that votes like he means it.)
- The discovery of water on Mars was faked by NASA. (Rush Limbaugh)
(With 4 wives and counting, he's probably used to spotting people who fake things.)
- It's acceptable to walk into a classroom of seven- and eight-year-olds and coldly ask them, "Do you know what a nuclear weapon is? Do you know that there are schools that train children your age to be suicide bombers?" (Arizona Congressman Matt Salmon)
(Doesn't appear he spent much time paying attention in school to be much of an authority on anything classroom-related.)
- Immigrants need to speak American. (Secretary of Energy Sarah Palin)
(As opposed to whatever the heck her sentences can be identified as.)
- The Dred Scott decision is still the law of the land, so slavery is still on the books. (Mike Huckabee)
(Sounds like the typical Republican "What the heck do we know - we're making this up as we go?!)
- To appeal to Latinos, just leave 'em a little tip when you check out of your hotel. (Gov. John Kasich)
(I'm sure they have a few tips for you as well, sir, on how best not to alienate millions of voters with one simple sentence.)
- The issuance of secular marriage licences to same-sex couples is leading America into the very pit of Hell. (Kim Davis's lawyer Mat Staver)
(As opposed to people who contort Jesus' teachings to fit their intolerant, hate-filled delusions.)
- Same-sex couples getting married is the same as gassing the Jews at Auschwitz. (Bryan Fischer, speaking for the American Family Association)
(I'm just going to go ahead and hope this isn't possibly what the man really said and not even comment on it here.)
Well that was fun!
No comments:
Post a Comment